JFIMS - Baculum-in-Ano: Original Research

Volume 69, Issue 4: “Divine Delusions & Differential Diagnosis”

April 15, 2026  

Baculum in Ano: A Double-Blind, Placebo-Controlled Study of Patients With a Stick Up Their Ass

Authors:

Prof S. Honour MD PhD LGBTQI+

Dr. Chad Rigidus, MD

Dr. Anita Clench, DO

Dr. I.M. Uptight, PhD Abstract

We conducted a double-blind, placebo-controlled trial on 420 miserable fucks who clearly had a stick up their ass. Participants were randomized to receive either “just relax, bro” counselling or a placebo (“have you tried yoga, Karen?”). The results were fucking conclusive.

Methods

Patients were selected if they met all of the following: 

1. Could not take a joke without writing a strongly worded email 

2. Visible eternal clenching 

3. Resting bitch face so severe it could stop a clock 

4. Immediate response of “this isn’t funny” to anything remotely humorous

Pelvic MRI was performed using the advanced “why the fuck are you like this?” protocol.

Results

98.7% of these humourless bastards showed a rigid, calcified structure firmly lodged in the rectum — a textbook stick-up-the-ass. Symptoms included moral grandstanding, group chat ruination, and walking like they’re smuggling a fucking flagpole. The placebo group remained insufferable. The treatment group briefly loosened up after being told to “touch grass,” but the stick immediately re-inserted itself the moment someone made a dad joke.

Conclusion

Baculum in Ano is a real, painfully common condition.

At the time of registering this condition, the physicians were unaware that “baculum” is also the scientific name for the actual penis bone found in the penises of most male mammals. We regret the oversight. Deeply.

References 

Rigidus C, et al. Baculum in Ano: A Double-Blind Study of Chronic Anal Rigidity. JFIMS. 2026;69(420):1-69. 

Uptight IM. Why Are These People Like This? A Meta-Analysis. Journal of Things That Aren’t Funny. 2025.