Volume 69, Issue 4: “Divine Delusions & Differential Diagnosis” April 15, 2026 ATLANTA — In news that shocked absolutely nobody who has ever had sex after 2020, syphilis has returned with a fucking vengeance. Rates are surging, congenital cases are skyrocketing, and the bacteria is out here acting like it never got the memo that we invented penicillin. “We tried to warn you horny idiots,” said Dr. Anita Breakin, board-certified infectious disease specialist and professional b

Volume 69, Issue 4: “Divine Delusions & Differential Diagnosis” April 15, 2026 Baculum in Ano: A Double-Blind, Placebo-Controlled Study of Patients With a Stick Up Their Ass Authors: Prof S. Honour MD PhD LGBTQI+ Dr. Chad Rigidus, MD Dr. Anita Clench, DO Dr. I.M. Uptight, PhD Abstract We conducted a double-blind, placebo-controlled trial on 420 miserable fucks who clearly had a stick up their ass. Participants were randomized to receive either “just relax, bro” counsellin

Volume 69, Issue 4: “Divine Delusions & Differential Diagnosis” April 15, 2026 Durban, South Africa — Dermatologists are sounding the alarm again: Basal Cell Carcinoma, the most common skin cancer, is thriving thanks to millions of people treating sunscreen like it’s optional and “a base tan” like it’s actual protection. “It’s not even trying to kill you,” said Dr. Ray Melanoma, dermatologist. “It just wants to slowly gnaw a crater in your nose like a determined little beav

Re: Dr. Glaucomflecken – Please Never Stop, We’re All One Bad Shift Away From Eating Tide Pods Volume 69, Issue 4: “Divine Delusions & Differential Diagnosis” April 15, 2026 To the Editor, I would like to formally nominate Dr. Will Flanary (known to the people as Dr. Glaucomflecken) for sainthood, a lifetime supply of free coffee, and whatever the medical equivalent of a knighthood is. While the rest of us are slowly dying inside from 94-click documentation and emails that

CASE REPORT: Escalating Grandiose Delusions in a 79-Year-Old Male with Presumptive Sporadic Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease (CJD) Volume 69, Issue 4: “Divine Delusions & Differential Diagnosis” April 15, 2026 Presenting Complaint: Patient recently uploaded an AI-generated image to his personal social media platform depicting himself in flowing white-and-red robes, hands emitting divine light, healing a sick individual in a manner indistinguishable from classical Renaissance pai

Volume 69, Issue 3: “Gimme cookie Gimme cookie” March 15, 2026 A Case Report Authors: Dr. Prion McBrainrot, MD Dr. Spongiform Encephalopathologist Abstract We present the highly unusual case of a 78-year-old reality TV star and former president with advanced mad cow disease. Initial concern was raised not because of neurological symptoms, but because the patient was alarmingly orange — a shade previously only seen in traffic cones and Cheeto dust. Case Presentation Doct